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Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
CALVIN! Where's the TYRE!!!?
As much as I have a permanent inertia against leaving home (unless its for r a movie or hanging out with friends), I do have a couple of relatives who I visit sometimes just not to alienate myself( and of course, for the food ;) ). Ah,such adorable kids they have.Who wouldn't wanna spend time with their nieces or kid-cousins, who entertain you with their sweet-talk, hug you and generally make you feel happy? Hehe, you guys already know I'm kidding(or "kid"ding,if you please),right? They are nothing less than devil- incarnate,believe me!. The "Enfant terrible"s have put me in such screwy situations they made me wish that I could disapparate (to disappear magically,HP) to the top of a lava-spurting Eyjafjallajökull. I think most people will relate to the below scenarios :
Scene 1
I enter the house. The kids look at me and go "Yaayyyyy! Pavananna has come! Yaayy"! I reply cheerfully "Hiii Ankita!How did your exams go?" My mistake. Her mom,who was happily welcoming me till now,turns grim within a split-second and goes spiraling in a non-stop tirade on how the girl has left one "fill-in-the-blanks" blank (The heading says Fill-in-the-blank.How can she leave it blank? :D) and done a multiple choice question wrong and so she'll end up getting only 96.5% , and not 99.4% (as the next door aunty's son haughtily claimed of getting). All this while Ms.Ankita looks daggers at me,muttering under her breath, "You $@#@#,I'll have my revenge". But soon everything is forgotten and we start playing and talking.
Scene 2
Everyone is watching TV. Suddenly the little devil yells "PAVANANNA, I WANNA PLAY WITH YOUR MOBILE.GIMME YOUR MOBILE!". I oblige immediately, foolishly assuming that its better than the cacophony blasting my eardrums now. She occupies herself with the mobile for sometime while peace prevails (Noises from the TV are not even comparable). And suddenly, "PAVANANNA,YOU GOT A MSG FROM SO-N-SO GAL.IT SAYS 'WASSUP?WHAT U DOIN''" I instinctively take furtive glances at the elders in the room,who, I am pretty certain, even with their heads firmly turned towards the TV, have all their ears on my side of the room now. They need not have struggled so much.My ever-inquisitive niece is not one to be silenced so soon. As I give a nervous fake smile and reach for my mobile,she starts off, "WHO IS THIS SO-N-SO GAL???IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIENDDDD? HEE HEE, ARE YOU GONNA MARRRRY HER?HEE HEE" (Wait! WHAA....?) Now everyone else has no excuse to even look at the TV and have completely focussed their attention on me. I meekly & defensively say "Noooo" with a stupid guffaw (I dunno why I felt compulsive to answer a 9-year old) Then I begin my Rescue-thy-pride mission : keep staring down at the mobile with such ferocious single-mindedness & concentration that any outsider would believe I'm writing down the proof for a complex quantum theory equation which will disprove The Theory of Relativity and turn science,as we know it,upside down (Einstein would gape in horror and awe from his grave). And I stick to that stance until a messiah on the reality show TV yells something and everyone turns back to him
Scene 3
Me & my niece are sitting watching "Spongebob Squarepants" on Nick. After 20 minutes of marvellingon how these over-smart kids still enjoy something so dumb(and thanking god for that), I ask "Naina,can I have the remote? I'm bored". "Nooooo,only 10 minutes more and the episode will get over. Then I've give you the remote.OK?" she says blinking her eyes ever innocently. I smile and say "OK". Just then,the TV blares "....and stay tuned for the 2-hour weekend special of SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!"
She goes "Yaaay!"
"Hey come on, you said you'll give me the remote"
"Baaaaaahhhh!Waaaaaaaahhhh!"
"Ok ok. You keep the remote.I'll just go home...and never vist you again" (hee hee hee)
She contemplates once this for a while. "Okay fine. I will give you the remote.You can watch whattttever you want......till I come back from the bathroom!" and runs off leaving me open-mouthed.
I relax for a while and keep surfing channels wondering if anything good ever comes on this idiot box. A particularly riveting sequence in one of the English movie channels holds my attention for more than usual and I linger on for a little while more. (I'll remind you here,Murphy's law are not some random bullshit.Never ignore them) Right at that moment,the little devil comes running back to claim her remote. She turns to the TV and is horrified by what she is seeing. "CHEEEE! MUMMIE!!! PAVANANNA IS WATCHING GIRL AND BOY KISSING!!!" I can't help shouting out inadvertently "Heyyy! Shhhh. They are just kissing". As they say,the damage is done. What I would not give to just evaporate from the face of the earth in a puff of smoke that very instant. I fumble with the remote while that abominable thing is playing on TV,*click* (Priyanka Chopra in a luscious bikini in Dostana) *click* random woman dancing in rain in a South Indian movie *more frantic click* "This is Atul Mehta,Mumbai correspondent,Aaj Tak" Sigh.Safe.All this happens in a time frame of 15 seconds.My cousin laughs a bit and just stays in the kitchen,thankfully. I do not touch the remote the whole of my stay there and settle down to watch back-back episodes of Spongebob squarepants.
Scene 4
Little devil's teen-aged elder sis comes in.They start arguing over something and start fighting and the elder one goes "Get the f*uck off me,moron". The smaller one claps her hand to her mouth,
"Akka! You just said the F-U-C-K word! Wait I'll tell mommy"
"Shudd-up!I didn't, Reee-tard" (My uncle is US returned. So my cousins still retain a distinct accent.Cool stuff)
"Yes you did!Pavananna she said the F-U-C-K word, didn't she?"
I was already grinning."Yeah,she did".
"Reee-tard,get lost" and she storms out of the room.
The younger one starts giving me gyan "Dad told me F-U-C-K & S-U-C-K are bad words. But I think "shit" & "crap" are OK.They didn't scold me when I used them.And speaking of scolding, B-I-T-C-H is a bad word too."(ponders a bit)"But I wanna know what F-U-C-K means? Do you know what that means?"
"Ah,I don't know" trying to sound as ignorant as possible, to which I get a "Man,You are a dumbo.All elders know that.How old are you anyway?"
Scene 5
We are sitting around for dinner. Ms.Smartypants is at it again. Giggling she says, "Amma,Pavananna is hesitating to serve the rice for himself. I think he is feeling shy. Pavananna,go ahead. There is lot of rice for all of us" As much as this is most embarassing,more annoying and scary is the fact that those were the exact thoughts going on in my head.Phew,kids these days! Anyways, I get over the hiccup and continue eating with a lot of rice in my plate now. Her mom comes,serves her a gulab jamun and goes inside to get more. Little devil turns sweet "Amma,bari nange hakidiyalla.Paapa ivninge haakalva Jamun-u? (You served the jamun only to me.Why didnt you serve the jamun to him, Poor guy)".Her mom says mockingly "No I wont give him. He's nobody to me". "Ayyo Paapa,aa thara ella madbaardu.Kodamma (Ayyo Poor thing,we should not act like this.Lets give him too)". We couldn't stop laughing. Its amazing how kids balance their minds with the inherent innocence which is part of growing-up and the pseudo-maturity they acquire from their surroundings.
P.S : I love my nieces,nephews and kid-cousins. They are better than the elders,anyday ;)
P.P.S : This is my tribute to Calvin & Hobbes,the greatest comic ever
Scene 1
I enter the house. The kids look at me and go "Yaayyyyy! Pavananna has come! Yaayy"! I reply cheerfully "Hiii Ankita!How did your exams go?" My mistake. Her mom,who was happily welcoming me till now,turns grim within a split-second and goes spiraling in a non-stop tirade on how the girl has left one "fill-in-the-blanks" blank (The heading says Fill-in-the-blank.How can she leave it blank? :D) and done a multiple choice question wrong and so she'll end up getting only 96.5% , and not 99.4% (as the next door aunty's son haughtily claimed of getting). All this while Ms.Ankita looks daggers at me,muttering under her breath, "You $@#@#,I'll have my revenge". But soon everything is forgotten and we start playing and talking.
Scene 2
Everyone is watching TV. Suddenly the little devil yells "PAVANANNA, I WANNA PLAY WITH YOUR MOBILE.GIMME YOUR MOBILE!". I oblige immediately, foolishly assuming that its better than the cacophony blasting my eardrums now. She occupies herself with the mobile for sometime while peace prevails (Noises from the TV are not even comparable). And suddenly, "PAVANANNA,YOU GOT A MSG FROM SO-N-SO GAL.IT SAYS 'WASSUP?WHAT U DOIN''" I instinctively take furtive glances at the elders in the room,who, I am pretty certain, even with their heads firmly turned towards the TV, have all their ears on my side of the room now. They need not have struggled so much.My ever-inquisitive niece is not one to be silenced so soon. As I give a nervous fake smile and reach for my mobile,she starts off, "WHO IS THIS SO-N-SO GAL???IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIENDDDD? HEE HEE, ARE YOU GONNA MARRRRY HER?HEE HEE" (Wait! WHAA....?) Now everyone else has no excuse to even look at the TV and have completely focussed their attention on me. I meekly & defensively say "Noooo" with a stupid guffaw (I dunno why I felt compulsive to answer a 9-year old) Then I begin my Rescue-thy-pride mission : keep staring down at the mobile with such ferocious single-mindedness & concentration that any outsider would believe I'm writing down the proof for a complex quantum theory equation which will disprove The Theory of Relativity and turn science,as we know it,upside down (Einstein would gape in horror and awe from his grave). And I stick to that stance until a messiah on the reality show TV yells something and everyone turns back to him
Scene 3
Me & my niece are sitting watching "Spongebob Squarepants" on Nick. After 20 minutes of marvellingon how these over-smart kids still enjoy something so dumb(and thanking god for that), I ask "Naina,can I have the remote? I'm bored". "Nooooo,only 10 minutes more and the episode will get over. Then I've give you the remote.OK?" she says blinking her eyes ever innocently. I smile and say "OK". Just then,the TV blares "....and stay tuned for the 2-hour weekend special of SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!"
She goes "Yaaay!"
"Hey come on, you said you'll give me the remote"
"Baaaaaahhhh!Waaaaaaaahhhh!"
"Ok ok. You keep the remote.I'll just go home...and never vist you again" (hee hee hee)
She contemplates once this for a while. "Okay fine. I will give you the remote.You can watch whattttever you want......till I come back from the bathroom!" and runs off leaving me open-mouthed.
I relax for a while and keep surfing channels wondering if anything good ever comes on this idiot box. A particularly riveting sequence in one of the English movie channels holds my attention for more than usual and I linger on for a little while more. (I'll remind you here,Murphy's law are not some random bullshit.Never ignore them) Right at that moment,the little devil comes running back to claim her remote. She turns to the TV and is horrified by what she is seeing. "CHEEEE! MUMMIE!!! PAVANANNA IS WATCHING GIRL AND BOY KISSING!!!" I can't help shouting out inadvertently "Heyyy! Shhhh. They are just kissing". As they say,the damage is done. What I would not give to just evaporate from the face of the earth in a puff of smoke that very instant. I fumble with the remote while that abominable thing is playing on TV,*click* (Priyanka Chopra in a luscious bikini in Dostana) *click* random woman dancing in rain in a South Indian movie *more frantic click* "This is Atul Mehta,Mumbai correspondent,Aaj Tak" Sigh.Safe.All this happens in a time frame of 15 seconds.My cousin laughs a bit and just stays in the kitchen,thankfully. I do not touch the remote the whole of my stay there and settle down to watch back-back episodes of Spongebob squarepants.
Scene 4
Little devil's teen-aged elder sis comes in.They start arguing over something and start fighting and the elder one goes "Get the f*uck off me,moron". The smaller one claps her hand to her mouth,
"Akka! You just said the F-U-C-K word! Wait I'll tell mommy"
"Shudd-up!I didn't, Reee-tard" (My uncle is US returned. So my cousins still retain a distinct accent.Cool stuff)
"Yes you did!Pavananna she said the F-U-C-K word, didn't she?"
I was already grinning."Yeah,she did".
"Reee-tard,get lost" and she storms out of the room.
The younger one starts giving me gyan "Dad told me F-U-C-K & S-U-C-K are bad words. But I think "shit" & "crap" are OK.They didn't scold me when I used them.And speaking of scolding, B-I-T-C-H is a bad word too."(ponders a bit)"But I wanna know what F-U-C-K means? Do you know what that means?"
"Ah,I don't know" trying to sound as ignorant as possible, to which I get a "Man,You are a dumbo.All elders know that.How old are you anyway?"
Scene 5
We are sitting around for dinner. Ms.Smartypants is at it again. Giggling she says, "Amma,Pavananna is hesitating to serve the rice for himself. I think he is feeling shy. Pavananna,go ahead. There is lot of rice for all of us" As much as this is most embarassing,more annoying and scary is the fact that those were the exact thoughts going on in my head.Phew,kids these days! Anyways, I get over the hiccup and continue eating with a lot of rice in my plate now. Her mom comes,serves her a gulab jamun and goes inside to get more. Little devil turns sweet "Amma,bari nange hakidiyalla.Paapa ivninge haakalva Jamun-u? (You served the jamun only to me.Why didnt you serve the jamun to him, Poor guy)".Her mom says mockingly "No I wont give him. He's nobody to me". "Ayyo Paapa,aa thara ella madbaardu.Kodamma (Ayyo Poor thing,we should not act like this.Lets give him too)". We couldn't stop laughing. Its amazing how kids balance their minds with the inherent innocence which is part of growing-up and the pseudo-maturity they acquire from their surroundings.
P.S : I love my nieces,nephews and kid-cousins. They are better than the elders,anyday ;)
P.P.S : This is my tribute to Calvin & Hobbes,the greatest comic ever
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Aitalakadi - A translation beyond words...
Nothing can beat Kannada song lyrics.Time and again the song-writers in Sandalwood have come up with such gems that you have to give it to them just for creativity and innovation. You think they can't do better than a jinke mari na and within no time they will amaze and floor you with a Hale paatre or a Chitranna chitranna. I thought I will attempt to translate one such song. On some careful research, found this popular(and catchy, I admit) song of our challenging star Darshan.Lets try to decipher how the lyricist is conveying the everylasting love and pining between the two lovers with his words:
(guy)Aithalakadi...Aithalakadi..Aithalakadi
I am stumped!!! Done in at the very first word! I don't have a goddamn clue what this erudite sounding wording means. I shall just ignore it for the time being and try to catch the context. I proceed tentatively to the next sentence....
(guy)Aithalakadi... jala jala jala jalajakshi, mina mina mina meenakshi, kama kama kama kamakshi , pata pata pata pancharangi.... baare..... Aithalakadi baare ...
Oh this is too fast!!! Wait wait wait! Jalajakshi, Meenakshi, Kamakshi, Pancharangi - Hmmm my wild guess is that he's rolling out names of his several girlfriends there. Or a better guess might be that he's addressing the one girl present there with all these names. (Ah, this seems more logical too. Our heroineis still dancing with glee even after hearing all the names). And coming to the words, jala jala jala, mina mina mina, kama kama kama, pata pata pata .... don't even try! A sublime touch to the proceedings which only an accomplished poet of his stature can give.This is what you call poetic license,ladies. Indeed, how lame would those lines be if not for these musical notes,right on spot.
(girl) Lagna madsumma,valga oodsumma,oota haksumma, kattiko,kattiko
(guy) Horn gatsumma, Haadna hadsumma, Love na torsumma......
Basically the lass is super impressed with the guy and tells him to marry her soon. And basically the guy wants to get horny,sing songs and make love. As you can clearly see, the poet is trying to convey the typical feelings of both sexes in a mass-y,easily understandable way.
And just after that comes a line which blew my mind away. A once-in-a-century line. The 'piece-de-resistance' of the entire song. . Here it goes ...
(guy)....Yama yama buka duma naka duma muta duma..Aithalakadiiiiiiiiiii
Such subtlety. Such melody. Seems like he is calling upon the Indian mythological god of death Yama and...Errr...Errrr..Calling him Dumma (Fat)!!!!? Lets not tread any further here, or I am directly going to hell!
(Skip to the most insightful stanza of the song )
(girl) Naaaati naaaati benne naa, peeeete meeeete tuppana tintiya
At this point, the guy gets really hungry and tired of all he dancing, so the girl is offering him naati benne (just extracted butter,correct?) and peete meete tuppa (and ghee. The peete and meete are again products of poetic license). Surely she loves the guy so much she is not worried about the cholesterol or the fat calories on him
(guy) Benne maiyya henne, mutkondre metkontaiyte,
Yaargu kammi illa ,vayyara wine agayte
(There goes. The guy gets horny again. This idiot just needs a hint to start off! ) O Lass with a butter-like body, its getting sticky when I touch it. (Wow! Mind blown, second time. Such sensuousness and aesthetically presented eroticism in a movie song, can you imagine? I take my hat off, Mr.Lyricist. Further he says) Your ostentatious and showy display is turning into alcohol and no one will have shortage now. Devdas in the making...lolz :P
(girl)White-u white-u white-u white-u ......
White-u Rajnikanth neenu
The girl is comparing the guy to a white Rajn- WHAAA!!!? Oh yeah! She says the guy looks like a WHITE Rajnikanth. So you mean Rajnikanth is BLACK??? Now now, that's not so 'fair' (pun intended :D). The intention of this jab/seemingly racist comment at the Tamil Superstar in a massy Kannada movie is not quite clear. Atleast not to me ;)
(guy) Yaake yaake hogultiya, height-u jasti madutiya
(guy)Why are you praising me and in doing so increasing my height?
Sheer brilliance. Our poet is in GODMODE now. I thought he was merely good with words, but being aware of the latest developments in scientific research and using that in his songs? (Surely you guys have read about the study which says if you keep praising someone continuously and repeatedly over a period of time, a distinct increase in the height of a person is observed). One word : G-E-N-I-U-S.
And now again we are greeted with the mellifluous and dulcet tones of the starting words which had us floored in the beginning itself...
(guy n girl together)Aithalakadi...Aithalakadi..Aithalakadi....
Someone please catch hold of this guy atleast now and give him an award. Create a new one and give it to him. For the love of god, people!!!
Oh btw, enjoy the video of the song here ;)
Monday, March 22, 2010
One day at Office...
I had no- I didn't have much work at office today. So I sat down to write limericks. I have to say office atmosphere is not very conducive for this kind of writing, but I got a few going and thought of the rest on the bus back home. Presenting to you, my first attempt at poetry. Torture yourself :D
*
There was once a girl called Rachel
Everyday she updated her facebook status without fail
One day it said "I just brushed my teeth"
The next "My boyfriend Peter is a big cheat"
Peter saw this and got his face frowned
Next day his status said "Me and Rachel went to the river and she tragically drowned"
*
There was once a boy called Pavan
He was leading a good life; simple, peaceful and loven'
His mom dad started bugging him "Get married, son get married"
And poor Pavan kept running away,looking frightened and harried
Found a safe spot and made a secret wish to Santa,
Ab kya bataon, Aage ki lines(sigh)....... main nahi jaanta ;)
*
There were test matches and players wore whites
Now there is IPL and all you see is slaps and fist fights
There were batsmen who made stadiums illuminate
Now there are disguised Bajrang Dal activists with a rod making me hallucinate :P
*
Once there was a guy called blogger,
None of what he wrote induced an iota of laughter,
Entire life all he did was slog,slog,slog
His last words were "Please check my BLOG" :D
*
Today I saw a hot maal at the mall,
Made my heart come out and fall,
Agreed she was no Ash Rai,
But I surely didnt wanna become her Rakhi Bhai,
Suddenly a fragrance threw me off her trail, I wonder
Mangoes have arrived, yay , who cares if the chick's legs are slender or thighs thunder ;-)
*
(Div)
There were two friends, so-so and Bheegi Billi,
What they actually wanted they didn't know,really
So they always ended up fighting each other silly
The hero in Avatar was called Mr.Jake Sully :)
*
There was once a girl called Rachel
Everyday she updated her facebook status without fail
One day it said "I just brushed my teeth"
The next "My boyfriend Peter is a big cheat"
Peter saw this and got his face frowned
Next day his status said "Me and Rachel went to the river and she tragically drowned"
*
There was once a boy called Pavan
He was leading a good life; simple, peaceful and loven'
His mom dad started bugging him "Get married, son get married"
And poor Pavan kept running away,looking frightened and harried
Found a safe spot and made a secret wish to Santa,
Ab kya bataon, Aage ki lines(sigh)....... main nahi jaanta ;)
*
There were test matches and players wore whites
Now there is IPL and all you see is slaps and fist fights
There were batsmen who made stadiums illuminate
Now there are disguised Bajrang Dal activists with a rod making me hallucinate :P
*
Once there was a guy called blogger,
None of what he wrote induced an iota of laughter,
Entire life all he did was slog,slog,slog
His last words were "Please check my BLOG" :D
*
Today I saw a hot maal at the mall,
Made my heart come out and fall,
Agreed she was no Ash Rai,
But I surely didnt wanna become her Rakhi Bhai,
Suddenly a fragrance threw me off her trail, I wonder
Mangoes have arrived, yay , who cares if the chick's legs are slender or thighs thunder ;-)
*
(Div)
There were two friends, so-so and Bheegi Billi,
What they actually wanted they didn't know,really
So they always ended up fighting each other silly
The hero in Avatar was called Mr.Jake Sully :)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Ultimate Wedding-Attendance Algorithm
Most of us in our age group have been attending friends' or colleague's marriages since sometime now and will have lot of marriages to attend in the near future too. And we are always faced with the dilemma of whether its worth the effort to attend the wedding or not. Like we recently attended a friend's wedding at the far end of the town and by the end of it were left high and dry (I am clearly assuming that 'friend' is too busy enjoying the early fruits of marital bliss to read this post). So as my friend and guru revered Rashmi Mata put it, few factors come into play when deciding whether to attend a wedding. I went ahead and developed a full fledged algorithm for the same: The Ultimate Wedding-Attendance Algorithm.
The basic concept of the algorithm is simple. Its the mind-boggling permutations and combinatorial possibilities of all the factors that makes it difficult to understand and implement than,say the P vs NP Problem. Lets cut out the talk and dive straight in :
/****************Variables****************/
/* global Variables */
you_are_married = 0
// Looks pleasant as long as it is 0.You will know why this is required as we go along
/* Level 0 variables : The most powerful ones. Any of these, if set, override all the other factors and leave you with little choice but to attend the wedding. Carefully set them to zero at the start or face the dire consequences */
is_a_close_relative = 0
is_a_close_friend = 0
is_your_manager = 0
/* Level 1 variables : Little less powerful but have more weightage than level 2,3 */
you_are_alive = 1
/* Means you are a ghost and not visible to anyone. Its a good situation to be in when you think about it, coz then you don't have to hide all your way to the stage to escape from aunties who will cast their blood-draining hold on your cheek and tug at it till your "Holy #$%#$% mother of Jesus" agony-filled shriek fills the hall. They would still they not let you go unless you agree to their "Its you next, babbby". Again be careful with this parameter else your life can become a paradox and then self-destruct */
you_are_zombie = 0
/*Tricky business this, being a zombie. Not that anyone will be idle enough to differentiate between a human and a zombie in an Indian wedding setting(except the prying elderly aunties, of course and your socially challenged & utterly clueless geek friends ,which you will have if you are an IT Professional like me ). Still its advisable to exercise caution when you finally get on the dais that you don't bite off the girl's hand or something when she tries to shake your hand. Remember : Subtlety is a virtue of great value */
/* I hope there is no confusion wrt to Level 0 & Level 1 till now. Just as an example, if its your manager's wedding , you WILL attend the wedding regardless of whether your a ghost or a zombie */
you_are_seriously_not_well_or_injured = 0
// My parameter names are self-explanatory ;)
you_are_giving_an_excuse_of_not_being_well = 0 // Very useful but to be used with caution
wedding_out_of_town = 0
/* Level 2 variables Also called Rash's params named after my friend who originally came up with this idea. Obviously the names will be the same as she quoted. You will learn the resourcefulness of these variables once we reach the algo */
venue_is_far_far = 0
date_is_a_wiikday = 0 // weekday
have_attended_your_wedding = 0
/* the bride or the groom have attended your wedding. Applicable only if the global variable you_are_married = 1 */
/*Level 3 variables */
pretty_girls_expected = 1
/*Always set to default value 1,being the eternal hopeful. This clearly has the potential to be at Level 0, but by precisely measuring the inherent ambiguity of the variable and the fatal effects it could have if given overriding powers, I had to place it at a safe Level 3 where it can do little harm to the individual's brain */
great_food_expected = 1 // Another ambiguous param , which can play with your mind and affect your body
relative_or_colleague_has_been_a_pain_in_the_ass = 0
/*Ethics force you to set it to zero by default. A powerful and volatile variable which can even override "is_a_close_relative" (a Level 0) depending on the situation */
/****************Algorithm****************/
/*Let me be clear when I say I will only be presenting a part of the algo here because the entire algorithm is so complex with its interplay of variables that it will eventually be a lost cause for the ordinary layman for whom its actually made. I will be very happy to share the entire algo with anyone who is interested. Also I have decided to make it open source so anyone can edit or improvise the same.*/
/* I am not going to use Level 0 variables here. Extreme caution is advised while using them. Dont them unless compulsary */
/*Combination of Level 1 & Level 2*/
if (you_are_zombie == 1 && venue_is_far_far == 1)
/* A special case. If you are a zombie and you have to travel far,
you would reach months after the wedding considering how fast
zombies walk or the probability of a zombie hitch-hiking */
{
chill_at_home_and_munch_on_man-wiches() // like sand-wiches ;)
}
/*All Level 2*/
if (venue_is_far_far && date_is_a_wiikday)
// Remember its a conditional AND. so all the conditions need to be satisfied
{
set you_are_giving_an_excuse_of_not_being_well = 1
go_home_from_office()
}
/*all Level 3*/
if (pretty_girls_expected == 1 || relative_has_been_a_pain_in_the_ass == 0 )
/* Though both are Level 3, considering its a conditional OR
and assuming the if condition is evaluated from L to R,
the control enters the if loop as soon as pretty_girls_expected = 1 regardless of whether the relative has been a pain
in the ass or not */
{
go_have_a_blast_ogling()
}
/* As you can see , lot of scenarios in the algo are special cases and hence code reusabilty cannot be a factor. I will not bore you with more code (i know its already a lot :P) Hope it helps you de-clutter your mind on the subject and consequently guarantee more attendance at your wedding too. Hasta la vista!*/
The basic concept of the algorithm is simple. Its the mind-boggling permutations and combinatorial possibilities of all the factors that makes it difficult to understand and implement than,say the P vs NP Problem. Lets cut out the talk and dive straight in :
/****************Variables****************/
/* global Variables */
you_are_married = 0
// Looks pleasant as long as it is 0.You will know why this is required as we go along
/* Level 0 variables : The most powerful ones. Any of these, if set, override all the other factors and leave you with little choice but to attend the wedding. Carefully set them to zero at the start or face the dire consequences */
is_a_close_relative = 0
is_a_close_friend = 0
is_your_manager = 0
/* Level 1 variables : Little less powerful but have more weightage than level 2,3 */
you_are_alive = 1
/* Means you are a ghost and not visible to anyone. Its a good situation to be in when you think about it, coz then you don't have to hide all your way to the stage to escape from aunties who will cast their blood-draining hold on your cheek and tug at it till your "Holy #$%#$% mother of Jesus" agony-filled shriek fills the hall. They would still they not let you go unless you agree to their "Its you next, babbby". Again be careful with this parameter else your life can become a paradox and then self-destruct */
you_are_zombie = 0
/*Tricky business this, being a zombie. Not that anyone will be idle enough to differentiate between a human and a zombie in an Indian wedding setting(except the prying elderly aunties, of course and your socially challenged & utterly clueless geek friends ,which you will have if you are an IT Professional like me ). Still its advisable to exercise caution when you finally get on the dais that you don't bite off the girl's hand or something when she tries to shake your hand. Remember : Subtlety is a virtue of great value */
/* I hope there is no confusion wrt to Level 0 & Level 1 till now. Just as an example, if its your manager's wedding , you WILL attend the wedding regardless of whether your a ghost or a zombie */
you_are_seriously_not_well_or_injured = 0
// My parameter names are self-explanatory ;)
you_are_giving_an_excuse_of_not_being_well = 0 // Very useful but to be used with caution
wedding_out_of_town = 0
/* Level 2 variables Also called Rash's params named after my friend who originally came up with this idea. Obviously the names will be the same as she quoted. You will learn the resourcefulness of these variables once we reach the algo */
venue_is_far_far = 0
date_is_a_wiikday = 0 // weekday
have_attended_your_wedding = 0
/* the bride or the groom have attended your wedding. Applicable only if the global variable you_are_married = 1 */
/*Level 3 variables */
pretty_girls_expected = 1
/*Always set to default value 1,being the eternal hopeful. This clearly has the potential to be at Level 0, but by precisely measuring the inherent ambiguity of the variable and the fatal effects it could have if given overriding powers, I had to place it at a safe Level 3 where it can do little harm to the individual's brain */
great_food_expected = 1 // Another ambiguous param , which can play with your mind and affect your body
relative_or_colleague_has_been_a_pain_in_the_ass = 0
/*Ethics force you to set it to zero by default. A powerful and volatile variable which can even override "is_a_close_relative" (a Level 0) depending on the situation */
/****************Algorithm****************/
/*Let me be clear when I say I will only be presenting a part of the algo here because the entire algorithm is so complex with its interplay of variables that it will eventually be a lost cause for the ordinary layman for whom its actually made. I will be very happy to share the entire algo with anyone who is interested. Also I have decided to make it open source so anyone can edit or improvise the same.*/
/* I am not going to use Level 0 variables here. Extreme caution is advised while using them. Dont them unless compulsary */
/*Combination of Level 1 & Level 2*/
if (you_are_zombie == 1 && venue_is_far_far == 1)
/* A special case. If you are a zombie and you have to travel far,
you would reach months after the wedding considering how fast
zombies walk or the probability of a zombie hitch-hiking */
{
chill_at_home_and_munch_on_man-wiches() // like sand-wiches ;)
}
/*All Level 2*/
if (venue_is_far_far && date_is_a_wiikday)
// Remember its a conditional AND. so all the conditions need to be satisfied
{
set you_are_giving_an_excuse_of_not_being_well = 1
go_home_from_office()
}
/*all Level 3*/
if (pretty_girls_expected == 1 || relative_has_been_a_pain_in_the_ass == 0 )
/* Though both are Level 3, considering its a conditional OR
and assuming the if condition is evaluated from L to R,
the control enters the if loop as soon as pretty_girls_expected = 1 regardless of whether the relative has been a pain
in the ass or not */
{
go_have_a_blast_ogling()
}
/* As you can see , lot of scenarios in the algo are special cases and hence code reusabilty cannot be a factor. I will not bore you with more code (i know its already a lot :P) Hope it helps you de-clutter your mind on the subject and consequently guarantee more attendance at your wedding too. Hasta la vista!*/
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Celeb resolutions
My friend Vinay calls me Paparazzi Potter. Motivated by the nick name, I have been doing some paparazzi work off late and have come across some interesting gossip,sorry truth,truth and nothing but truth. 2009 has seen many controversies and our celebrities have made resolutions for 2010.I have learned about some of these resolutions from our so called celebrities. Let's have a look.
Our honorable Minister of State, Shashi Tharoor has resolved to work for the External ministry through twitter only. So in the future, you may find tweets like these on Tharoor's page :
Kareena Kapoor was the only one in the country who actually understood what problem Shiv Sena had with this poster of Kurbaan-->
So her resolution for 2010 is have a poster with the positions reversed.She said in a press meet "I am sure the Shiv sainiks will have no complaints after this"
Pramod Mutalik's new year resolution is simple and straightforward. Attack more girls in public. According to a source, the Pink chaddi campaign didn't live upto their expectations and the party seniors are complaining that many cadres haven't got even one pink chaddi yet while the more powerful and influential ones are keeping all the chaddis
Barack Obama's resolution is to not do or say something which will get him another Nobel prize this year. "I will strive my level best," says a press release from Washington D.C. quoting the US President, "but I cannot guarantee that the Nobel committee will not decide to confer me the Peace Prize again. They are nice people.Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. Oh, I digress"
Tiger Woods has a resolution too . But just as he was announcing it, he saw a blonde passing by and before they could catch him, he was gone.
Satyam's RamaLinga Raju has other plans. He has just watched Shawshank Redemption in jail and now is planning to reprise Andy Dufrense's character in real life, but in a much professional and polished way than digging a hole for 20 years. He has planned to manipulate the records in the jail so much that there is will be no evidence that he was ever in jail. And finally he'll make a dramatic escape, something like in this pic.
In midst of all this, one man has made a silent resolution to himself. Or I wish he has. Hit a century in every match :D. Sachin Tendulkar : Switch to GODMODE!
Any other celebs whose resolutions you would wanna know? ;)
Happy New Year everyone! Let the FUN continue :)
Our honorable Minister of State, Shashi Tharoor has resolved to work for the External ministry through twitter only. So in the future, you may find tweets like these on Tharoor's page :
- Me n SMK (SM Krishna) met our Chinese cntrparts for dinner. I asked them to open their eyes and LOLd
- Writing this report while watching 'Dawn of the Dead'. Lyk it and hope I dont end up with a report on zombies ;)
So her resolution for 2010 is have a poster with the positions reversed.She said in a press meet "I am sure the Shiv sainiks will have no complaints after this"
Pramod Mutalik's new year resolution is simple and straightforward. Attack more girls in public. According to a source, the Pink chaddi campaign didn't live upto their expectations and the party seniors are complaining that many cadres haven't got even one pink chaddi yet while the more powerful and influential ones are keeping all the chaddis
Barack Obama's resolution is to not do or say something which will get him another Nobel prize this year. "I will strive my level best," says a press release from Washington D.C. quoting the US President, "but I cannot guarantee that the Nobel committee will not decide to confer me the Peace Prize again. They are nice people.Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. Oh, I digress"
Tiger Woods has a resolution too . But just as he was announcing it, he saw a blonde passing by and before they could catch him, he was gone.
Satyam's RamaLinga Raju has other plans. He has just watched Shawshank Redemption in jail and now is planning to reprise Andy Dufrense's character in real life, but in a much professional and polished way than digging a hole for 20 years. He has planned to manipulate the records in the jail so much that there is will be no evidence that he was ever in jail. And finally he'll make a dramatic escape, something like in this pic.In midst of all this, one man has made a silent resolution to himself. Or I wish he has. Hit a century in every match :D. Sachin Tendulkar : Switch to GODMODE!
Any other celebs whose resolutions you would wanna know? ;)
Happy New Year everyone! Let the FUN continue :)
Friday, December 25, 2009
Grounded!
I am grounded. Parents not at all happy with my regularly being out of town(dunno what their problem is :( ). The point now is for two consecutive long weekends,I will be at home(almost). So I thought I'll come with a proper plan to efficiently utilize the 6 days without simply goofing around on my PC reading reddit posts, stumbling etc and ending up getting bored. That's why this post. So without further ado, lets gets started. I will also be editing the post to update what I actually did that day (Big incentive)
Day 1(Dec 25) : Well, its a little more than 4 hours left for the day and I have no regrets. I cooked breakfast , saw a super cool movie (Avatar) today, slept a bit, cleaned up the house (prep for new year party at my place ;)) and now writing this blog which is very important too since its been some 50 days since I last posted! I'll go on a walk now and get a pirated novel. Looking for Godfather 2.
EDIT: I went out and got this book "Inspite of the Gods", with the tagline 'The Strange rise of Modern India'. Seems like a good read
Day 2 : A long pending activity, taking my bike LL exam. Seems like I have to muster all my will-power and fight off strong inertia to go to the RTO office (wondering why? Lets just say bad memories) but I WILL get it done this time. To the club at noon. In the evening, I'll just curl up with a book. I also have to sort out clothes for the next week (Believe me, I have never done this.EVER). Watch some movie
EDIT: Didn't I tell you me and the RTO office don't go well? :P I went there at 10:45 and the agent says after taking the cash from me "Long queue now. Not possible.Come on tuesday" I submitted the docs and came.Went to the club also and as usual, my sneeze fest started and my head was heavy for a long time after comnig out of water. Rottentomatoes has become one of my favourite sites. They have updates on movies releasing 2 years later,cool movie info,plus the latest trailers (See IronMan 2 & Clash of the Titans).So you know what I did instead of "curling up with a book". I tried watching 2012 & Lord of the rings (Animated, 1977)but both were real funny. I did wash my clothes though.
Day 3 : Its sunday already. Have to go to the club again, to the gym and swimming. No excuses. Study something worthwhile,and then more cleaning up the house. I am planning on another blog post too, guess it'll happen here.
EDIT: I made Palak rice for bf(it was good actually), then sat down to read the book I had got while waiting for John(He was supposed to come from mysore to stay over at my place and get his passport work done the next day). So..ahem..3rd day didnt go as planned :P. We went for a round of bike ride (majestic :D. Actually went for 3 idiots,but no tickets). Then came home and saw back-to-back disturbing movies(Paranormal activity & District 9).
And thanks for the response for this post. People have been reminding & inquiring me about the plan. Kinda amusing and heartening too :).Until next weekend...
Now I feel planning for the next week is to much for me . I'll try my best to stick to this plan. A new year you see, a new order :P
Day 4 ( Jan 1) : 31st is hectic with activity, so I guess I'll start the new year with a rest day. Ya and do Perl programming exercises (YES!YES!YES!) I'll meet up any friends who are free and ready to meet up
EDIT: It was a rest day (as planned :D) . Evening I was out with friends to the crowded chaat street, where we hogged junk food like there's no tomorrow. No Perl :(
Day 5 : Almost grounded, NEVER FULLY GROUNDED. Planning a bike trip to Yelagiri. I'm hoping it'll work out.
EDIT: Yay, went for a bike trip combined with a trek to Rangaswamy betta.There was nothing much to see there so half the time we just lazed on some rock and spoke nonsense . Evening again dinner out with friends. Point to self No more junk food and eating out for January
Day 6 : All Izz Well. Gotta catch 3 idots. I am allotting this to Sunday but it will happen sometime in these 3 days. I will be going to the club too (I have missed out on this for too many weekends off late. Trying to make up). Watch a couple of movies.
Hmm, lemme see scrolls up. This seems fine. Being at home doesn't seem that bad.I'll keep editing this post updating what I have actually done everyday. And no worries, the holiday season has just started for me wink wink
Day 1(Dec 25) : Well, its a little more than 4 hours left for the day and I have no regrets. I cooked breakfast , saw a super cool movie (Avatar) today, slept a bit, cleaned up the house (prep for new year party at my place ;)) and now writing this blog which is very important too since its been some 50 days since I last posted! I'll go on a walk now and get a pirated novel. Looking for Godfather 2.
EDIT: I went out and got this book "Inspite of the Gods", with the tagline 'The Strange rise of Modern India'. Seems like a good read
Day 2 : A long pending activity, taking my bike LL exam. Seems like I have to muster all my will-power and fight off strong inertia to go to the RTO office (wondering why? Lets just say bad memories) but I WILL get it done this time. To the club at noon. In the evening, I'll just curl up with a book. I also have to sort out clothes for the next week (Believe me, I have never done this.EVER). Watch some movie
EDIT: Didn't I tell you me and the RTO office don't go well? :P I went there at 10:45 and the agent says after taking the cash from me "Long queue now. Not possible.Come on tuesday" I submitted the docs and came.Went to the club also and as usual, my sneeze fest started and my head was heavy for a long time after comnig out of water. Rottentomatoes has become one of my favourite sites. They have updates on movies releasing 2 years later,cool movie info,plus the latest trailers (See IronMan 2 & Clash of the Titans).So you know what I did instead of "curling up with a book". I tried watching 2012 & Lord of the rings (Animated, 1977)but both were real funny. I did wash my clothes though.
Day 3 : Its sunday already. Have to go to the club again, to the gym and swimming. No excuses. Study something worthwhile,and then more cleaning up the house. I am planning on another blog post too, guess it'll happen here.
EDIT: I made Palak rice for bf(it was good actually), then sat down to read the book I had got while waiting for John(He was supposed to come from mysore to stay over at my place and get his passport work done the next day). So..ahem..3rd day didnt go as planned :P. We went for a round of bike ride (majestic :D. Actually went for 3 idiots,but no tickets). Then came home and saw back-to-back disturbing movies(Paranormal activity & District 9).
And thanks for the response for this post. People have been reminding & inquiring me about the plan. Kinda amusing and heartening too :).Until next weekend...
Now I feel planning for the next week is to much for me . I'll try my best to stick to this plan. A new year you see, a new order :P
Day 4 ( Jan 1) : 31st is hectic with activity, so I guess I'll start the new year with a rest day. Ya and do Perl programming exercises (YES!YES!YES!) I'll meet up any friends who are free and ready to meet up
EDIT: It was a rest day (as planned :D) . Evening I was out with friends to the crowded chaat street, where we hogged junk food like there's no tomorrow. No Perl :(
Day 5 : Almost grounded, NEVER FULLY GROUNDED. Planning a bike trip to Yelagiri. I'm hoping it'll work out.
EDIT: Yay, went for a bike trip combined with a trek to Rangaswamy betta.There was nothing much to see there so half the time we just lazed on some rock and spoke nonsense . Evening again dinner out with friends. Point to self No more junk food and eating out for January
Day 6 : All Izz Well. Gotta catch 3 idots. I am allotting this to Sunday but it will happen sometime in these 3 days. I will be going to the club too (I have missed out on this for too many weekends off late. Trying to make up). Watch a couple of movies.
Hmm, lemme see scrolls up. This seems fine. Being at home doesn't seem that bad.I'll keep editing this post updating what I have actually done everyday. And no worries, the holiday season has just started for me wink wink
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